Tuesday, August 13, 2024
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Image Source: Unsplash | Sheyi Owolabi
'
The energies of Lagos life - creative, malevolent, ambiguous - converge at the bus stops' - Teju Cole
Let me tell you about Lagos, Nigeria. Lagos is the city everyone runs to. For some people, it is like moving from Nigeria to Europe. But the real truth is that Lagos is overrated. The residents of Lagos can testify to this. Ever heard of flood? We have it in abundance in Lagos. Overpriced restaurants nko, e dey for Lagos. Stand still traffic? Lagos is its home. Different caliber of people? We get am. And to round it up, Madness? E plenty my sister.
One day I was in a mini bus - popularly known as korope - and we got to a traffic light and stopped. A passenger wanted to alight from the bus. Guess what he did! He passed the window. The freaking WINDOW! Everyone was stunned, including the driver. Only in Lagos brethren. LAGOS HAS IT ALL!
Living in Lagos
is an extreme sport. It is baffling how the smallest state in Nigeria,
with just about 3,345 square kilometers of land area can occupy over 20million
residents all at once. Tell me why there won't be havoc on a daily. If you have
survived Lagos then you are a warrior, you are president general, odogwu and odogwuress, let me troway my cap
for you. It's not easy and there's nothing normal about it. You would think there's a war going on in Lagos. No! Residents of
Lagos are not trying to stop a hurricane, or prevent an alien invasion, they
are only trying to avoid 4-hour traffic just to get to work. It
sounds absurd right? Only in Lagos dear.
I remember one tweet about a girl who came to Lagos for an interview. She turned down the job because she couldn't bear the hustle and bustle of just going to work and coming back home. It was evident that she might just pass out on the road one day or have a cardiac arrest. The apprehension that comes with the knowledge of Monday being around the corner is out of this world, the Lagos kind is extraordinary. As the nice person that I am, I don't want you to turn down a job like that lady (I know you are capable😉) so I have put together these tips to help you survive Lagos on a Monday morning; no need to fret, let's jump right into it.
1. Your wake up time must be 4am, no more, no less
If you are still on your bed by 4am on a Monday morning in Lagos then you are whining yourself and your employer. The traffic gods will be mocking you because another N1000 will be deducted from your pay for late coming. Some people even tell stories of how they wake up abruptly thinking they are already late, only to see that it is just 1am. Can you really sleep well or avoid stress in Lagos? You see the people that work on the island and live on the mainland or Ogun state, they are the real MVPs. Some of them don't even see their families everyday. Not to digress, the solution is to wake up by 4am and leave your house by 5 to be able to get to work by 8. Shikena! Yes! working-class Lagosians are great mathematicians.
2. Pray for no or less traffic
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Image Source: Unsplash | Sadiq Ali
3. What is makeup when time is ticking
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Image Source: Pexels | George Milton
The thought of the wahala on the road, puts looking good at the bottom of the list for a working-class Lagosian. This tip is for my ladies. Monday is technically not slay day, especially if you are a junior staff. Time is ticking and you are still trying to fix your face? I pity you my sister. It would be very wise of you to just pack all your slay items and perform your magic when you get to work. Which is better? Losing another N1000 or getting to work early and still slay?. I thought so too.
4. BRT queue na your mate?
God help you that your route requires a BRT, you go hear am. My former work colleagues Misters Victor, Joseph and Sunday can testify of the wonders of BRT. Imagine after all the trouble of leaving the house early, only to end up on BRT queue. Chineke nna. My dear, I don't even have any tips for this one o. Just be at the front of the queue or find another route to work. I am weak on your behalf. I only wish you love and light dear. What's paining me is that someone goes through this every everyday o. The mental
health of the Lagos working-class man or woman needs to be checked ASAP.
5. Is danfo or molue any better?
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Image Source: Unsplash | Stephen Olatunde
The BRT bus
routers can give a little thanks to God because you see the people that need to
commute with danfo? They are the real MVPs, and with the ban of keke and okada, it is even harder these days. Everyone is always in a hurry
in Lagos, now let's imagine a scenario where there is no organisation, less
number of danfo buses available, great population of people waiting to get a
bus, you guessed right my friend, that is a recipe for havoc, chaos, and hullabaloo (which is not farfetched for Lagos sha). The struggle is
always real, and even when you finally manage to get into a bus, you might
notice a large sandy footprint on your well polished shoe or maybe your phone has found a new owner🙂
6. Better hold vex money
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Image Source: Unsplash | Sunday Abegunde
The transport fare you have budgeted might not be enough. Vex money is not only for one-chance dates, it's also key when roaming Lagos. Let me paint a scenario for you. Unfortunately for you, after waking up early, it starts to rain. Everyone knows that once it rains in Lagos, it's over for everybody. All the forces will align and strike. From flood to traffic to fights to madness, you name it. Now, what my danfo brothers will do - you guessed right - is to increase the fare price. These people are ruling entities on their own so they can
inflate prices as their spirit leads them. A hike in transport fare is very
common in Lagos, and people are left with no choice but to
pay. Imagine a scenario, where you would normally pay N200, but the conductor
insists it is N500, you still decide to get into the bus anyway, but you have to struggle to enter the bus, and when you finally do, you find out your
wristwatch has left without saying goodbye🙂
Image Source: Unsplash | Ayano Tosin
8. Traffic gan gan
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Image Source: Unsplash | Namnso Ukpanah
Are you curious about what a 4-hour standstill traffic looks and feels like? Try Lagos today🙂. You remember
Bayo's word of prayer? He was unlucky because the traffic that he saw after his utterance he couldn't believe it. Lagos traffic go whine you but no panic. So, as it is now you already know you will be late to work and you cannot come and kill yourself and your friend Harriet cannot help you with that one. Odabo!
9. Is HR truly your friend?
It is how your HR will be smiling at you when you walk (sprint) into the office. At this point your new year's resolution to be the most punctual staff has gone down the drain as you are few points away from winning the award for perpetual latecomer from Bola who won the previous year. Another N1000 gone, who did you offend?
10. You think it's only mornings?
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Image Source: Unsplash | Tunde Buremo
You think it is over? Have you forgotten you will still head home? You won't sleep at work na. Prepare yourself for the journey back home, you might see one or two hawkers. Purchase some edibles for what's ahead of you.
I have done my part to the best of my ability. If these tips are not enough then, Lagos is not for you my dear sister. And just incase you think this post doesn't concern you because you have a car. Well, remember that you can sleep in your car on the road too. Shalom.
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